Child Obesity: Let's Get Real!

I recently read an article in Vogue about a Manhattan socialite who put her clinically obese 7 year old on a stringent diet, and even went as far as depriving her of dinner. The article came out a few days ago, and not only has Vogue been thrown under the bus for commissioning such an article, but Dara-Lynn Weiss has been painted with a pretty unflattering brush. Abusive, militant and self-righteous are just a few of the terms being tossed around to describe what many believe are a series of deplorable actions committed by a so-called loving mother. Even after reading the article several times over, I must admit, I'm still very much on the fence about what transpired.

Weiss's 7 year old daughter was declared as clinically obese by a doctor. At the tender age of 7, her daughter, at 4'4 was tipping the scales at 93lbs. Let's get a little perspective here. I'm 30, with a muscular and athletic build, and at 5'5, I am 118lbs on my heaviest day (113 on my lightest) This precious little girl is 25lbs lighter than me, a grown adult. Sure, we can talk about the weight of bones, and BMI, but the fact is, hers is absolutely off the charts and she is in the danger zone for diabetes, high blood pressure and any number of other terrifying afflictions. If I was a mother, I too would be absolutely panicking! But what happened here?

What I found the most disturbing is the way Ms Weiss handled the news. She engaged in public shaming of her little girl, and consistently belittled her for her weight gain, and this begs the question, who's the parent here? If we've determined that this little girl doesn't suffer from any pre-existing conditions, or genetic mutations, as a parent, are you not the one who is solely responsible for everything that goes in your child's mouth from the moment they're born? What business does a four year old have eating pizza, pop, or chocolate on a regular basis? None! Why is that junk even in your house or made available to them? Look it sounds extreme, but society has gone way of the Do-Do in that it's perfectly acceptable to indulge in treats on a regular basis, and if that wasn't enough, we actually tell ourselves that we deserve it. When I see a parent feeding their two year old McDonald's french fries, I want to walk up and swat the box right out of their hands, and then proceed to publicly shame them, not their children!

Really? We deserve to put processed foods and refined sugars into our bodies? Perhaps I missed the memo, but I'm all for living a long, prosperous and happy life, and if that means that I can't pig out on Mars Bars on the regular, I don't give a rat's patooty! (Yes, I made that word up, deal with it!). A seven year old is only just becoming aware of their body, and they are appropriately oblivious to the fact that society uses the cover of Cosmo to determine what their waistline should be. If your child is obese, the finger should be pointing in one direction, YOURS! You don't need to learn how to become a dietician to determine what to put in your child's mouth, but you do need to educate yourself. Stop blaming the outside world for your child's obesity, yes it's an epidemic, but it sure is hell doesn't give you the right to scoop up your membership to the fickle mob.

Living With Mental Illness in the Family

Mental illness is an issue that carries a horrendous stigma, and it is this stigma that prevents people from discussing the prevalence of mental illness in an open forum. The fact of the matter is, not only is mental illness a great deal more common than we would like to admit, but many of us may be suffering from a mental illness, and not even realize it. When there is a diagnosis of mental illness in the family, it is without question, the most difficult challenge a family can face as a unit, and effect s each member is a different way.

Both of my parents suffered from mental illness, but it was my father's diagnosis of manic depression that sent the family reeling. For years, my father, a dedicated military man, was unofficially diagnosed as a manic depressive when I was just 12. My parents had separated a year earlier and my brother and and I had flown out for our first summer alone with Dad. The moment we arrived, we knew something was not quite right. He was elated, giddy, almost childlike. He was running around the house like a madman, unable to concentrate on any one thing, and spoke a mile a minute. I can recall my father having these sorts of spells at specific times of year, usually around the holidays. We would come to find out later, that these were typical signs of a mental illness. And though these were symptoms that my father had exhibited before, it was never to this extent. Some mornings, he didn't seemed willing to get out of bed. It was as though he lost his lust for life for days at a time. It was difficult for a 12 year old and a 6 year old to understand why Dad was so different, and throughout our adolescence, his conditioned worsened, driving an immovable wedge between the three of us.

My father did not seek help until well into his illness, and because we were estranged, we didn't know how far gone our father's condition was. Because he was in the military, there was not only a societal stigma attached to being mentally ill, but being an active soldier, there was more of an incentive for my father to hide his  illness, rather than seek help to deal with it. Tragically, in June of 2009, my father lost his battle with mental illness, and took his own life.

Mental illness should be something that is discussed at almost every age level, starting with a chat about emotions. In the years that followed my father's death, if I had a better understanding of what my father was going through, I might have been able to cope with my fear, and reach out to him much sooner. You don't need a master's in psychology to gain a fundamental understanding on what mental illness is, but if there if you think someone in your family suffering from a mental illness, family counseling should be your first stop. It's important to start a dialogue within the family as soon as possible, and show a united support system to ensure the person with the illness feels emotionally safe amidst their loved ones. There is nothing more frightening for someone who is mentally ill, than seeing the fear in their loved ones eyes. Don't be fearful, be educated.

Are You Spoiling Your Teen?

As I watch my sure-footed girlfriends take on a motherhood with style and grace and their little ones sneak up in age, the same topic keeps popping up during our saturday morning brunches, are we spoiling our kids? And that seems to be the question of the decade amongst parents. There seems to be a great divide amongst parents around the country. Do we dole out the tough love, or do we indulge our children and give them absolutely everything we never had, and than some! In 2011, a highly controversial book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom made headlines at the Wall Street Journal, and had American parents on the defence about the way they raised their children. The author of the book, Amy Chua, a Law Professor at Yale, proclaimed that "Chinese mother's Are Superior" to that of American parents.  Professor Chua's children were not permitted to participate in sleep-overs, participate in school plays, or play an instrument that wasn't the piano of violin. Her parenting style was strict, sharp and unforgiving.

Naturally, North American parents had a visceral reaction to Professor Chua's words, was she out of her mind? If you don't read to much into her proclamation about Chinese parents being better ethnic parents, she actually makes some very valid points. American parents spoil their children rotten! They hand out gold stars for every sub-standard achievements (and blatant under achievements), they shower them with opulent gifts and they allow their children to dictate life in the household. So how do you strike a balance so you don't up raising a little emperor or empress?

1) Your money is not their money! You've probably spent most of your adult life, working yourself to the bone to acquire your material possessions, your house and your lifestyle. And what is it exactly that your teenager has done, at the ripe old age of 14, done to deserve a brand new BMW or a new winter wardrobe full of labels at that age, you could only dream of? Nothing is the answer. Showering your children with  opulent gifts teaches them that the world is a giving place, and that they deserve everything, without ever having to put a stitch of work in.

2) Learn to say NO! Look, no parent wants to be the bad guy, but you just can't give them everything. Kids need goals, make them set them, and than reward when they achieve them. I'm not talking about a 13 year old making their bed every day, that's not challenging enough. Encourage your kids to show initiative and seriously challenge themselves, because if they don't learn it at home, they're guaranteed to fall flat on their face in the real world.

3) Give of yourself, and your children will follow! The main issue parents face today, is the fact that they are raising self-indulgent brats who give little or nothing of themselves. It's not just about being charitable, it's about teaching your children that they are fortunate only because they were born into it, and it is their responsibility as a human being, to work towards ensuring that everyone has the same opportunities. If you volunteer with an organization, bring your children with you. Start young, and as they come into adolescence, you'll have better adjusted teens, who are more aware of the world around them, and better understand the consequences of their negative actions on those around them!

Keeping the Peace with Grandparents

Grandparents are an invaluable resource for parents and their children. They are a window into our past, and we can learn a great deal from the richness of their full lives. My grandparents and I had a very close bond growing up, and I always treasured the time that we spent together. They never spoiled us in a material sense, but my summers and Christmas holidays with them were something of a dream. My French-Canadian grandfather, and I used to go traipsing around the back country, gathering berries, ferns and other plants so my grandma, could throw together one of her famous summer salads.  I would pull up a stool in my grandma's enormous kitchen, and help her mix in the blueberries for her famous blueberry muffins. We would laugh for hours on end, trying to scrub our blueberry stained mouths and fingers. As a home health care nurse, my grandmother was the nurturing kind, and my brother and I benefited from her calm, sweet demeanour.
 
My grandparents and parents had a wonderful relationship, I never knew there to be any conflict. And even though my grandparents did in fact nudge my parents every once in a while for being a little too strict, my parents lovingly agreed and gave us a little more freedom. However, there are far more extreme cases of grandparents over-stepping the boundaries so much so, that they cause a rift in the family dynamic. Many of my friends are now in their thirties and having children and we often chat about the increasing tension between my friends, and their parents, as they all engage in a power struggle of sorts. And it raises some of my own concerns with child rearing, and how my parents will be as grandparents. My girlfriend gave me a few pointers, and here's what she shared with me:

Open Communication. My girlfriend had a long chat with her parents before her first baby was born, about boundaries, and what she expected of her parents, and in turn, what her parents expected of her. All came to the agreement that time with this precious baby girl was of the utmost importance, but that it was going to be on my girlfriends time, and not theirs. Since her daughter is only two now, they haven't all sat down to discuss discipline in the two households, but reiterated to me, that it was vital that everyone was on the same page. It was okay for the grandparents to spoil her daughter a little, but it wasn't okay to alter the rules.

Never play interference. If there is an issue in the household, unless it directly involves the grandparents, they are not to interfere. Dealing with conflict with your children is difficult enough without having to involved two more outside voices. Your parents have finished their child rearing responsibilities, now it's time for them to sit back, and watch you raise your own.

Keep consistent. My girlfriend said that this was probably the most important point. Children need routine, they thrive on it, so it's important that everyone who is a part of raising your child, needs to maintain a stable environment. When everyone follows the golden rules, grandparents get to feel youthful again, and your children are all the better for it.

Yelling at Your Child is Emotionally Abusive

My mom was a yeller. And on rare occasions, she was a screamer. But she wasn't always that way. From the age of zero to five, my mother never so much as raised her voice to me. Probably because she never needed to. I was a fairly quiet child, pensive even. I was social, polite, demure and friendly. Life took a dramatic turn when my bouncing baby brother arrived my first month of kindergarden. Unlike me, Brian was a handful. And as he grew, he sought trouble wherever he could find it, which needless to say, created a great deal of tension in the household. My brother and I, like most siblings, began to squabble over little things, and overnight, I watched my mom become the in-house police officer. It was discovered some time later that my brother had ADD, and though my mom stopped using yelling as a form of discipline for my brother, she continued with me, and well into my adolescence and adulthood!

I was a pretty decent teen. I had good grades, I wasn't allowed out enough to have a curfew, so my parents knew where I was at all times, and I was very respectful. I was not a confrontational person by nature, so I had a really difficult time coping with my mother yelling in my face. As I aged, I started to manifest symptoms of stress. I got a stomach ulcer when I was in the tenth grade, and my hair started to thin. In the eleventh grade, I was hospitalized for my ulcer. At night, I suffered from sleep deprivation and during the day, I didn't want to be home.

I had been suffering in silence for years, and even to this day, my mother and I have never been able to reconcile with her yelling issue. Parents think that if they yell something, change will happen immediately. Children who are yelled at are more likely to display acts of aggression. By yelling in a child's face, you make them feel smile and insignificant, which in turn, makes them feel bullied. Children come home to feel safe and secure, not to be bullied in their own home. Parents need to learn alternate ways to get the message across. Losing your cool every now and then is perfectly normal, but yelling at your children on the regular is emotionally abusive.

How to Survive the Family Vacation

It's already February, yet it feels like the Christmas break was just yesterday (well, maybe for some!). That means that families are probably making their plans for the upcoming Spring Break right now, and if you are going home for the holidays, rather than carting yourself off for a week of debauchery in Cancun or Puerto Vallarta, you are definitely going to need some survival tips! As college students that go away to school, we tend to outgrow our families really quickly, which generally means that during the small amount of time that we do spend at home, we tend to lack patience. What you need to remember is that, while you are off having fun at college, and life is changing so dramatically on a daily basis, things at home have probably stayed relatively the same, and your visits home are a welcome change to your family! This isn't to say that the idea of being strapped in a car next to your sister, who's five years your junior, and can't sit still for more than five minutes, sounds like hell on earth! Let's see if we can't give you some tips on making the most out of this precious time.

1) Make time for yourself. Everyone this vacation, is just that, on vacation, which means that this time should be used to get in some relaxation, maybe some adventure, and some alone time. Have an open discussion with everyone in the family about it, and though your parents may object, explain to them that you can give more of yourself when you don't feel so stressed out and pressured to spend time with everyone.

2) Keep Busy! When you are together in one big group, try and keep the activity level up, that way, there is little chance of family members getting bored, cranky and starting a quarrel. And do things that no one in the family has done before. Sharing in new experiences facilitates bonding, and it creates fabulous new memories that you can all look back on and cherish.

3) Carve out some one-on-one time with each family member. If you've been away for a long time (or even a short time) your absence can be really difficult for each member of the family. Pick an activity or place that you want to go with them, and have a chat, have a giggle, have a meal. It will give you a chance to catch up, and find out how they're coping with life in general. These are some of the most precious moments, and sadly, we don't seem to get enough of them.

Family vacations can be stressful, but they don't have to be. Having a candid conversation with your parents about what your expectations are for your holiday, will help them to make it a better experience for the whole family. After all, they love you and just want you to be happy.

Children and the Big D

Over half of the marriages in America end in divorce. Over half! That's a frightening statistic isn't it. I bet you didn't think that when you said your "I do's"on that fateful day, that years later, you would be sitting in the office of an overly priced divorce lawyer, signing on the dotted line, watching what you knew as your life crumble to pieces. Of course you didn't, no one wants to think that. Everyone wants to believe that love lasts forever, 'til death do you part. I am a child of two divorces, each painful. The second one was from my adoptive father, and it was the most excruciating, painful, and confusing experience of my young life. I was 10 and my brother was 4. All through my teenage years, I felt so lost. I had a wonderful step-father that entered the picture when I was 13, but it wasn't the same as having my dad around. Every child of divorce feels the ripple effects of a relationship lost, but it's up to the parents to navigate their children through the minefield of growing up in a broken household. My parents did their very best, and I tip my hat to them for showing courage and civility at a time when emotions are the most raw. But some parents aren't so thoughtful. Some let their own pain cloud their parenting, and they engage in behavior that adds fuel to an already blazing fire. You don't need a child psychology career to know that speaking ill of the other parent can do irreparable damage to your children.

Just because the parenting duties are split between two households doesn't mean the rules change. Parents often make the mistake of over-compensating for the loss of a two-parent household. Extravagant gifts, unusual trips and anything that is wildly out of normal is dangerous. The most important message to convey to children is that they are loved, no matter what, not that they are pawns, in a game that can pit children against the lesser giving parent. Creating stability is far more important than overcompensating for the split. Divorce is a violent upset in the balance of a household, so it's important to keep children to their regular routine. Life must go on.

Keep your feelings and emotions to yourself. This may sound harsh, but children are sensitive beings that are absorbing everything in their environment faster than you can help. Put on a brave face, but make sure to check in with your children to see how they are coping. Create a safe environment for them to express their feelings, and don't interject with comments, listen and offer support. Ask them what they need from you. Divorce has a lifelong effect on everyone who goes through it, but as a parent, it's up to you to make it as painless as possible, and to contribute to a supportive and loving childhood and adolescence.