Children and the Big D

Over half of the marriages in America end in divorce. Over half! That's a frightening statistic isn't it. I bet you didn't think that when you said your "I do's"on that fateful day, that years later, you would be sitting in the office of an overly priced divorce lawyer, signing on the dotted line, watching what you knew as your life crumble to pieces. Of course you didn't, no one wants to think that. Everyone wants to believe that love lasts forever, 'til death do you part. I am a child of two divorces, each painful. The second one was from my adoptive father, and it was the most excruciating, painful, and confusing experience of my young life. I was 10 and my brother was 4. All through my teenage years, I felt so lost. I had a wonderful step-father that entered the picture when I was 13, but it wasn't the same as having my dad around. Every child of divorce feels the ripple effects of a relationship lost, but it's up to the parents to navigate their children through the minefield of growing up in a broken household. My parents did their very best, and I tip my hat to them for showing courage and civility at a time when emotions are the most raw. But some parents aren't so thoughtful. Some let their own pain cloud their parenting, and they engage in behavior that adds fuel to an already blazing fire. You don't need a child psychology career to know that speaking ill of the other parent can do irreparable damage to your children.

Just because the parenting duties are split between two households doesn't mean the rules change. Parents often make the mistake of over-compensating for the loss of a two-parent household. Extravagant gifts, unusual trips and anything that is wildly out of normal is dangerous. The most important message to convey to children is that they are loved, no matter what, not that they are pawns, in a game that can pit children against the lesser giving parent. Creating stability is far more important than overcompensating for the split. Divorce is a violent upset in the balance of a household, so it's important to keep children to their regular routine. Life must go on.

Keep your feelings and emotions to yourself. This may sound harsh, but children are sensitive beings that are absorbing everything in their environment faster than you can help. Put on a brave face, but make sure to check in with your children to see how they are coping. Create a safe environment for them to express their feelings, and don't interject with comments, listen and offer support. Ask them what they need from you. Divorce has a lifelong effect on everyone who goes through it, but as a parent, it's up to you to make it as painless as possible, and to contribute to a supportive and loving childhood and adolescence.