Are You Spoiling Your Teen?

As I watch my sure-footed girlfriends take on a motherhood with style and grace and their little ones sneak up in age, the same topic keeps popping up during our saturday morning brunches, are we spoiling our kids? And that seems to be the question of the decade amongst parents. There seems to be a great divide amongst parents around the country. Do we dole out the tough love, or do we indulge our children and give them absolutely everything we never had, and than some! In 2011, a highly controversial book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom made headlines at the Wall Street Journal, and had American parents on the defence about the way they raised their children. The author of the book, Amy Chua, a Law Professor at Yale, proclaimed that "Chinese mother's Are Superior" to that of American parents.  Professor Chua's children were not permitted to participate in sleep-overs, participate in school plays, or play an instrument that wasn't the piano of violin. Her parenting style was strict, sharp and unforgiving.

Naturally, North American parents had a visceral reaction to Professor Chua's words, was she out of her mind? If you don't read to much into her proclamation about Chinese parents being better ethnic parents, she actually makes some very valid points. American parents spoil their children rotten! They hand out gold stars for every sub-standard achievements (and blatant under achievements), they shower them with opulent gifts and they allow their children to dictate life in the household. So how do you strike a balance so you don't up raising a little emperor or empress?

1) Your money is not their money! You've probably spent most of your adult life, working yourself to the bone to acquire your material possessions, your house and your lifestyle. And what is it exactly that your teenager has done, at the ripe old age of 14, done to deserve a brand new BMW or a new winter wardrobe full of labels at that age, you could only dream of? Nothing is the answer. Showering your children with  opulent gifts teaches them that the world is a giving place, and that they deserve everything, without ever having to put a stitch of work in.

2) Learn to say NO! Look, no parent wants to be the bad guy, but you just can't give them everything. Kids need goals, make them set them, and than reward when they achieve them. I'm not talking about a 13 year old making their bed every day, that's not challenging enough. Encourage your kids to show initiative and seriously challenge themselves, because if they don't learn it at home, they're guaranteed to fall flat on their face in the real world.

3) Give of yourself, and your children will follow! The main issue parents face today, is the fact that they are raising self-indulgent brats who give little or nothing of themselves. It's not just about being charitable, it's about teaching your children that they are fortunate only because they were born into it, and it is their responsibility as a human being, to work towards ensuring that everyone has the same opportunities. If you volunteer with an organization, bring your children with you. Start young, and as they come into adolescence, you'll have better adjusted teens, who are more aware of the world around them, and better understand the consequences of their negative actions on those around them!

Keeping the Peace with Grandparents

Grandparents are an invaluable resource for parents and their children. They are a window into our past, and we can learn a great deal from the richness of their full lives. My grandparents and I had a very close bond growing up, and I always treasured the time that we spent together. They never spoiled us in a material sense, but my summers and Christmas holidays with them were something of a dream. My French-Canadian grandfather, and I used to go traipsing around the back country, gathering berries, ferns and other plants so my grandma, could throw together one of her famous summer salads.  I would pull up a stool in my grandma's enormous kitchen, and help her mix in the blueberries for her famous blueberry muffins. We would laugh for hours on end, trying to scrub our blueberry stained mouths and fingers. As a home health care nurse, my grandmother was the nurturing kind, and my brother and I benefited from her calm, sweet demeanour.
 
My grandparents and parents had a wonderful relationship, I never knew there to be any conflict. And even though my grandparents did in fact nudge my parents every once in a while for being a little too strict, my parents lovingly agreed and gave us a little more freedom. However, there are far more extreme cases of grandparents over-stepping the boundaries so much so, that they cause a rift in the family dynamic. Many of my friends are now in their thirties and having children and we often chat about the increasing tension between my friends, and their parents, as they all engage in a power struggle of sorts. And it raises some of my own concerns with child rearing, and how my parents will be as grandparents. My girlfriend gave me a few pointers, and here's what she shared with me:

Open Communication. My girlfriend had a long chat with her parents before her first baby was born, about boundaries, and what she expected of her parents, and in turn, what her parents expected of her. All came to the agreement that time with this precious baby girl was of the utmost importance, but that it was going to be on my girlfriends time, and not theirs. Since her daughter is only two now, they haven't all sat down to discuss discipline in the two households, but reiterated to me, that it was vital that everyone was on the same page. It was okay for the grandparents to spoil her daughter a little, but it wasn't okay to alter the rules.

Never play interference. If there is an issue in the household, unless it directly involves the grandparents, they are not to interfere. Dealing with conflict with your children is difficult enough without having to involved two more outside voices. Your parents have finished their child rearing responsibilities, now it's time for them to sit back, and watch you raise your own.

Keep consistent. My girlfriend said that this was probably the most important point. Children need routine, they thrive on it, so it's important that everyone who is a part of raising your child, needs to maintain a stable environment. When everyone follows the golden rules, grandparents get to feel youthful again, and your children are all the better for it.

Yelling at Your Child is Emotionally Abusive

My mom was a yeller. And on rare occasions, she was a screamer. But she wasn't always that way. From the age of zero to five, my mother never so much as raised her voice to me. Probably because she never needed to. I was a fairly quiet child, pensive even. I was social, polite, demure and friendly. Life took a dramatic turn when my bouncing baby brother arrived my first month of kindergarden. Unlike me, Brian was a handful. And as he grew, he sought trouble wherever he could find it, which needless to say, created a great deal of tension in the household. My brother and I, like most siblings, began to squabble over little things, and overnight, I watched my mom become the in-house police officer. It was discovered some time later that my brother had ADD, and though my mom stopped using yelling as a form of discipline for my brother, she continued with me, and well into my adolescence and adulthood!

I was a pretty decent teen. I had good grades, I wasn't allowed out enough to have a curfew, so my parents knew where I was at all times, and I was very respectful. I was not a confrontational person by nature, so I had a really difficult time coping with my mother yelling in my face. As I aged, I started to manifest symptoms of stress. I got a stomach ulcer when I was in the tenth grade, and my hair started to thin. In the eleventh grade, I was hospitalized for my ulcer. At night, I suffered from sleep deprivation and during the day, I didn't want to be home.

I had been suffering in silence for years, and even to this day, my mother and I have never been able to reconcile with her yelling issue. Parents think that if they yell something, change will happen immediately. Children who are yelled at are more likely to display acts of aggression. By yelling in a child's face, you make them feel smile and insignificant, which in turn, makes them feel bullied. Children come home to feel safe and secure, not to be bullied in their own home. Parents need to learn alternate ways to get the message across. Losing your cool every now and then is perfectly normal, but yelling at your children on the regular is emotionally abusive.

How to Survive the Family Vacation

It's already February, yet it feels like the Christmas break was just yesterday (well, maybe for some!). That means that families are probably making their plans for the upcoming Spring Break right now, and if you are going home for the holidays, rather than carting yourself off for a week of debauchery in Cancun or Puerto Vallarta, you are definitely going to need some survival tips! As college students that go away to school, we tend to outgrow our families really quickly, which generally means that during the small amount of time that we do spend at home, we tend to lack patience. What you need to remember is that, while you are off having fun at college, and life is changing so dramatically on a daily basis, things at home have probably stayed relatively the same, and your visits home are a welcome change to your family! This isn't to say that the idea of being strapped in a car next to your sister, who's five years your junior, and can't sit still for more than five minutes, sounds like hell on earth! Let's see if we can't give you some tips on making the most out of this precious time.

1) Make time for yourself. Everyone this vacation, is just that, on vacation, which means that this time should be used to get in some relaxation, maybe some adventure, and some alone time. Have an open discussion with everyone in the family about it, and though your parents may object, explain to them that you can give more of yourself when you don't feel so stressed out and pressured to spend time with everyone.

2) Keep Busy! When you are together in one big group, try and keep the activity level up, that way, there is little chance of family members getting bored, cranky and starting a quarrel. And do things that no one in the family has done before. Sharing in new experiences facilitates bonding, and it creates fabulous new memories that you can all look back on and cherish.

3) Carve out some one-on-one time with each family member. If you've been away for a long time (or even a short time) your absence can be really difficult for each member of the family. Pick an activity or place that you want to go with them, and have a chat, have a giggle, have a meal. It will give you a chance to catch up, and find out how they're coping with life in general. These are some of the most precious moments, and sadly, we don't seem to get enough of them.

Family vacations can be stressful, but they don't have to be. Having a candid conversation with your parents about what your expectations are for your holiday, will help them to make it a better experience for the whole family. After all, they love you and just want you to be happy.

Children and the Big D

Over half of the marriages in America end in divorce. Over half! That's a frightening statistic isn't it. I bet you didn't think that when you said your "I do's"on that fateful day, that years later, you would be sitting in the office of an overly priced divorce lawyer, signing on the dotted line, watching what you knew as your life crumble to pieces. Of course you didn't, no one wants to think that. Everyone wants to believe that love lasts forever, 'til death do you part. I am a child of two divorces, each painful. The second one was from my adoptive father, and it was the most excruciating, painful, and confusing experience of my young life. I was 10 and my brother was 4. All through my teenage years, I felt so lost. I had a wonderful step-father that entered the picture when I was 13, but it wasn't the same as having my dad around. Every child of divorce feels the ripple effects of a relationship lost, but it's up to the parents to navigate their children through the minefield of growing up in a broken household. My parents did their very best, and I tip my hat to them for showing courage and civility at a time when emotions are the most raw. But some parents aren't so thoughtful. Some let their own pain cloud their parenting, and they engage in behavior that adds fuel to an already blazing fire. You don't need a child psychology career to know that speaking ill of the other parent can do irreparable damage to your children.

Just because the parenting duties are split between two households doesn't mean the rules change. Parents often make the mistake of over-compensating for the loss of a two-parent household. Extravagant gifts, unusual trips and anything that is wildly out of normal is dangerous. The most important message to convey to children is that they are loved, no matter what, not that they are pawns, in a game that can pit children against the lesser giving parent. Creating stability is far more important than overcompensating for the split. Divorce is a violent upset in the balance of a household, so it's important to keep children to their regular routine. Life must go on.

Keep your feelings and emotions to yourself. This may sound harsh, but children are sensitive beings that are absorbing everything in their environment faster than you can help. Put on a brave face, but make sure to check in with your children to see how they are coping. Create a safe environment for them to express their feelings, and don't interject with comments, listen and offer support. Ask them what they need from you. Divorce has a lifelong effect on everyone who goes through it, but as a parent, it's up to you to make it as painless as possible, and to contribute to a supportive and loving childhood and adolescence.