Surviving Your Teen Daughter

There's the infant years, then the terrible two's, then the feisty five, and then, well, you get the idea. Raising children is probably the most difficult job on earth. And surviving the teenage years, parents are put through their paces, tested at every corner, and forced to consume more antacids than a pharmacy could distribute! It is a trying time, to say the least. I'd like to think that my mom had it fairly easy in the grand scheme of things. She had one daughter and one son to raise, and we were pretty respectable, well-adjusted kids. We had a plethora of interests, we like school, we never touched drugs or alcohol, and our mom always knew we were safe in our beds every night. All of that aside, looking back, my mom and I rarely saw eye-to-eye, on anything! While I was busy trying to exercise my independence, Mom was busy trying to be a mom. Needless to say, it was a tug-o-war of emotions, lessons and unnecessary angst. And it wasn't until I was much older, that I truly appreciated the struggle my mother faced trying to raise her teen daughter. To all the mama's out there, hang in there, there is light at the end of the tunnel, and more often then not, your beautiful girls will turn out just fine! Here are a few points to consider:

1) Never let Dad intervene! My dad was rather intuitive about this. Whenever there was conflict between my mother and myself, he steered clear and let the two of us work it out. Parenting is a team sport of course, and there are exceptional situations where it is essential for dual parenting to occur, but not always. Dad's involvement is more likely to cause hurt feelings, or incite more arguing. 

2) Learn to Walk Away! Mom's, having the last word is not important! Engaging in a tit for tat, emotionally charged argument about something that might seem trivial to you, will get you absolutely no where. Tell your daughter you won't speak to her until she's calm. She'll probably stomp around like a two year old, so be it, you can't communicate with an angry toddler. 

3) Listen to what she isn't saying! Daughters often complain that their mothers don't listen to them. And it's true that 95% of the issues between a mother and daughter stem from a lack of communication. Your daughter sees you as irrelevant to her generation and you see your daughter as a foolish know-it-all, self-indulgent brat. And with that in mind, bridging the gap can feel like an impossible task. It isn't. Watch for signs of nervousness, a lack of eye contact,  or walking with their chin down. Your daughter is often lashing out because of another issue. Get to the bottom of it. I could make or break your relationship. 

Mama Knows Best, or Does She?

 They changed our diapers, wiped tears from our face, treated our wounds, made sure we always looked our best, educated us, and above all, loved us unconditionally. If you are as lucky as I've been, they're always at the other end of the phone when crisis strikes, when you didn't get the job and when things go awry with your partner. Councelors, teachers, chefs, stylists, disciplinarians, friends, confidant, agent, negotiator, the pertinent role they play in our lives is dynamic and constantly morphing. They have uncomfortably long memories with an uncanny ability to recall the most embarrassing baby bathtub stories. And they don't hold grudges. Through the misery of your adolescence and all your crazy stunts, deep down, they knew you'd pull through and come out right on the other side.  With unconditional love they watch us stumble and watch us soar. The relationship between a mother and her daughter(s) is no Hallmark greeting card, it's complicated, volatile at times and wrought with emotion. It can be wonderfully enlightening, and other times, generational differences can make reconciliation seem impossible.

The nature of your relationship with your mother changes drastically as you age, however, some mom's forget that this is a natural progression. They always picture their daughter as that little girl twirling about the yard in a tutu, instead of the strong, independent mother of two they've become. Luckily, like most other relationships, there are key factors to having a relatively stress free relationship with mommy dearest. Communication is absolutely essential. I know you've heard this a million times over, yet people still seem to lack the ability to communicate properly. Despite the fact your mother's line of questioning, at times, can feel like an FBI interrogation, she's not a mindreader, nor does she have an agenda. She's communicating the only way she knows how, as a parent! 

Mend cracks quickly! Unless your mother has committed some sort of federal offence, don't waste time being angry. Address the problem, discuss it fully, and ensure that you are listening as intently as you are pleading your case. Mom is in no way perfect, but neither are you. You can bet your bottom dollar you've done some things in the past that would warranted some serious repercussions, but your mother didn't ice you out, she forgave you. You owe her the same! 

It's Okay Not to Agree. How boring would life be if everyone who shared an intimate part of our lives agreed with everything we said? Mom's often forget that despite the fact they've lived an entire lifetime before their children have taken their first breath, their children are destined to have thoughts and opinions independent of their parents, and need to be given the opportunity to cultivate their own beliefs and truths. Engaging in healthy debate should be encouraged, celebrated in fact. Even if members of the family happen to be opposite ends of the political spectrum, who cares! As long as there's love, tolerance and acceptance, it matters not. 

Boundaries. Chatting with your mother five times a day, and ten on Friday, is touch over the top. You don't need your mommy holding your hand to while you live life as a productive, independent and successful woman. If there's a long family holiday on the horizon, remind your mom that you want to preserve your sanity and hers, and by not spending every waking moment with her, this can be accomplished. Go off and do your own thing. If Mom's coming to town, depending on the length of the stay, suggest putting her up at a swanky hotel, tell her to treat it like a luxurious vacation, and go for Spa treatments at the hotel together. This will give you the space you need from extra mothering, and it will give your mother a taste of what life was like before she had you!