Mama Knows Best, or Does She?

 They changed our diapers, wiped tears from our face, treated our wounds, made sure we always looked our best, educated us, and above all, loved us unconditionally. If you are as lucky as I've been, they're always at the other end of the phone when crisis strikes, when you didn't get the job and when things go awry with your partner. Councelors, teachers, chefs, stylists, disciplinarians, friends, confidant, agent, negotiator, the pertinent role they play in our lives is dynamic and constantly morphing. They have uncomfortably long memories with an uncanny ability to recall the most embarrassing baby bathtub stories. And they don't hold grudges. Through the misery of your adolescence and all your crazy stunts, deep down, they knew you'd pull through and come out right on the other side.  With unconditional love they watch us stumble and watch us soar. The relationship between a mother and her daughter(s) is no Hallmark greeting card, it's complicated, volatile at times and wrought with emotion. It can be wonderfully enlightening, and other times, generational differences can make reconciliation seem impossible.

The nature of your relationship with your mother changes drastically as you age, however, some mom's forget that this is a natural progression. They always picture their daughter as that little girl twirling about the yard in a tutu, instead of the strong, independent mother of two they've become. Luckily, like most other relationships, there are key factors to having a relatively stress free relationship with mommy dearest. Communication is absolutely essential. I know you've heard this a million times over, yet people still seem to lack the ability to communicate properly. Despite the fact your mother's line of questioning, at times, can feel like an FBI interrogation, she's not a mindreader, nor does she have an agenda. She's communicating the only way she knows how, as a parent! 

Mend cracks quickly! Unless your mother has committed some sort of federal offence, don't waste time being angry. Address the problem, discuss it fully, and ensure that you are listening as intently as you are pleading your case. Mom is in no way perfect, but neither are you. You can bet your bottom dollar you've done some things in the past that would warranted some serious repercussions, but your mother didn't ice you out, she forgave you. You owe her the same! 

It's Okay Not to Agree. How boring would life be if everyone who shared an intimate part of our lives agreed with everything we said? Mom's often forget that despite the fact they've lived an entire lifetime before their children have taken their first breath, their children are destined to have thoughts and opinions independent of their parents, and need to be given the opportunity to cultivate their own beliefs and truths. Engaging in healthy debate should be encouraged, celebrated in fact. Even if members of the family happen to be opposite ends of the political spectrum, who cares! As long as there's love, tolerance and acceptance, it matters not. 

Boundaries. Chatting with your mother five times a day, and ten on Friday, is touch over the top. You don't need your mommy holding your hand to while you live life as a productive, independent and successful woman. If there's a long family holiday on the horizon, remind your mom that you want to preserve your sanity and hers, and by not spending every waking moment with her, this can be accomplished. Go off and do your own thing. If Mom's coming to town, depending on the length of the stay, suggest putting her up at a swanky hotel, tell her to treat it like a luxurious vacation, and go for Spa treatments at the hotel together. This will give you the space you need from extra mothering, and it will give your mother a taste of what life was like before she had you! 

Surviving Your Inlaws

I understand that not everyone loves their in-laws, in fact, I'm sure some of you may wish that your in-laws would pick up and move to Antarctica! They can be pushy, bossy, rude, speak out of turn, and your mother-in-law continuously reminds you that your lasagna, on its best day, doesn't hold a candle to her family recipe. They can drop in without notice or phone all hours of the night just "to chat" to your partner, and lament over the fact that they didn't marry Bobby Joe who's now a successful computer systems analyst with the big house down the road a jag in the driveway, and a membership to a swanky country club. You do everything humanly possible to spend Christmas with them every other decade and Easter and Thanksgiving even less. Trust me, I've heard it all!

I have to say, I am one of the lucky ones. My in-laws and I get along swimmingly. I adore them so much, I invited them to spend Christmas in my modest two bedroom apartment for a three week visit. It gets a bit tense at time, feeling like we're living on top of each other, but my partner and myself have a set of established boundaries to avoid any possible eruptions. And if there is a blow-out, everyone goes to their respective corners, for a brief cooling off period. A pint of beer later, and we're all back to being the best of companions again. Though we can't always be best buds with our in-laws, with very few exceptions, we don't have to be sworn enemies either.

1) DISCUSS WITH YOU PARTNER! In-laws often try the 'ol divide and conquer method, so be prepared. Have an honest discussion with your partner about your personal issues with them. It's not about getting your partner on your side or not, as they may not agree with you, but at the very least, it is important they listen, process, understand and respect how you feel. They made the decision to be with you, it is their responsibility to make you feel comfortable in your own home and not threatened.

2) DON'T BE A DOORMAT! Look, you've got a Master's in Education, it's time to school the in-laws. Despite what they think (and say), they're not always right! Whatever you do, don't sit there and simmer like a teapot, stand up and say something. Walking on eggshells in your own home, or in your own life, is unacceptable. Life is too short, and they need to be made to understand your stance. You don't need to be aggressive right off the bat; Be firm, be respectful and be concise so there is no confusion.

3) CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES! Remember when  your mother told you not to sweat the small stuff? This is a PERFECT time to put that mantra to good use. Deep breaths, woosah! Sometimes it may feel like you never wear the right thing, your hair is never perfect enough, your cooking always lacks salt, your car is too impracticable, you apparently need to fire your maid, and your children lack discipline, but in the grand scheme of things, these are TINY things. Just remember that you like your life the way it is, and as long as you and your partner are on the same page, that's all that matters. So what if they don't like your cooking, or the spike protruding from your teenagers chin, they're not living your life, and they need to get on with enjoying theirs. If you have children, it's especially important to maintain a stable, and cordial relationship with your in-laws at the very least. And though we can't pick 'em, they are our family after all, and we all have to just learn to get along!