Surviving Your Teen Daughter

There's the infant years, then the terrible two's, then the feisty five, and then, well, you get the idea. Raising children is probably the most difficult job on earth. And surviving the teenage years, parents are put through their paces, tested at every corner, and forced to consume more antacids than a pharmacy could distribute! It is a trying time, to say the least. I'd like to think that my mom had it fairly easy in the grand scheme of things. She had one daughter and one son to raise, and we were pretty respectable, well-adjusted kids. We had a plethora of interests, we like school, we never touched drugs or alcohol, and our mom always knew we were safe in our beds every night. All of that aside, looking back, my mom and I rarely saw eye-to-eye, on anything! While I was busy trying to exercise my independence, Mom was busy trying to be a mom. Needless to say, it was a tug-o-war of emotions, lessons and unnecessary angst. And it wasn't until I was much older, that I truly appreciated the struggle my mother faced trying to raise her teen daughter. To all the mama's out there, hang in there, there is light at the end of the tunnel, and more often then not, your beautiful girls will turn out just fine! Here are a few points to consider:

1) Never let Dad intervene! My dad was rather intuitive about this. Whenever there was conflict between my mother and myself, he steered clear and let the two of us work it out. Parenting is a team sport of course, and there are exceptional situations where it is essential for dual parenting to occur, but not always. Dad's involvement is more likely to cause hurt feelings, or incite more arguing. 

2) Learn to Walk Away! Mom's, having the last word is not important! Engaging in a tit for tat, emotionally charged argument about something that might seem trivial to you, will get you absolutely no where. Tell your daughter you won't speak to her until she's calm. She'll probably stomp around like a two year old, so be it, you can't communicate with an angry toddler. 

3) Listen to what she isn't saying! Daughters often complain that their mothers don't listen to them. And it's true that 95% of the issues between a mother and daughter stem from a lack of communication. Your daughter sees you as irrelevant to her generation and you see your daughter as a foolish know-it-all, self-indulgent brat. And with that in mind, bridging the gap can feel like an impossible task. It isn't. Watch for signs of nervousness, a lack of eye contact,  or walking with their chin down. Your daughter is often lashing out because of another issue. Get to the bottom of it. I could make or break your relationship. 

Sibling Rivalry - Why do Children Fight?

Families are such a complicated entity. Completely unique and dynamic individuals, living together under one roof, in some sort of harmony, can at times, feel like an impossible endeavor. And one of the most difficult and often frustrating relationships, is that between siblings. I can't speak for myself on this matter, my brother and I were an exception. I was five when my brother was born, and I could not have been more excited to get a new little brother. And until I moved away from home after high school, we were partners in crime. Our mother always told us that we were all we had, so being a big sister was an important job. Things changed dramatically as I moved through adulthood, but there was never a rivalry between the two of us. I never understood the need to compete, taunt or tease my best friend. But some of my friends in high school had vicious rivalries with their younger or older siblings. So what makes siblings fight? 

Parents sometimes feel like they need a psychology degree to deal with quarreling children. The conflict can run so deep. The good news is, it's fairly normal. There are several reasons why children will fight with each other, and the interesting thing is, the reasons don't change all that much as they mature into adulthood. One of most common reason for fights to spark is jealousy. The arrival of a new addition to the family can create tension and territorial conflict between children. It is natural for the first born child to feel left out. They can feel confused, unloved and will sometimes lash out in frustration. Unless parents have experienced the sensation of being "replaced" by another sibling, they cannot understand how difficult it is for a child to accept that they are not enough for their parents.

Another reason children fight is a territorial conflict. Fighting over space, toys, or time with Mom or Dad. Again, this is completely natural.  Fighting over time and space generally doesn't become too much of an issue until the younger sibling is mobile. This is a touchy area. It is essential that toddlers learn how to share, especially with their family. But it is also important, that as they grow, and their needs change, they have a sense of ownership over objects, so they can learn how to treat things and space. Creating a fun and unique space for each child is also a great way to dispel conflict, even if means giving them each a corner in a house or apartment, that's decorated just for them to allow them to express independence and self expression.

Mama Knows Best, or Does She?

 They changed our diapers, wiped tears from our face, treated our wounds, made sure we always looked our best, educated us, and above all, loved us unconditionally. If you are as lucky as I've been, they're always at the other end of the phone when crisis strikes, when you didn't get the job and when things go awry with your partner. Councelors, teachers, chefs, stylists, disciplinarians, friends, confidant, agent, negotiator, the pertinent role they play in our lives is dynamic and constantly morphing. They have uncomfortably long memories with an uncanny ability to recall the most embarrassing baby bathtub stories. And they don't hold grudges. Through the misery of your adolescence and all your crazy stunts, deep down, they knew you'd pull through and come out right on the other side.  With unconditional love they watch us stumble and watch us soar. The relationship between a mother and her daughter(s) is no Hallmark greeting card, it's complicated, volatile at times and wrought with emotion. It can be wonderfully enlightening, and other times, generational differences can make reconciliation seem impossible.

The nature of your relationship with your mother changes drastically as you age, however, some mom's forget that this is a natural progression. They always picture their daughter as that little girl twirling about the yard in a tutu, instead of the strong, independent mother of two they've become. Luckily, like most other relationships, there are key factors to having a relatively stress free relationship with mommy dearest. Communication is absolutely essential. I know you've heard this a million times over, yet people still seem to lack the ability to communicate properly. Despite the fact your mother's line of questioning, at times, can feel like an FBI interrogation, she's not a mindreader, nor does she have an agenda. She's communicating the only way she knows how, as a parent! 

Mend cracks quickly! Unless your mother has committed some sort of federal offence, don't waste time being angry. Address the problem, discuss it fully, and ensure that you are listening as intently as you are pleading your case. Mom is in no way perfect, but neither are you. You can bet your bottom dollar you've done some things in the past that would warranted some serious repercussions, but your mother didn't ice you out, she forgave you. You owe her the same! 

It's Okay Not to Agree. How boring would life be if everyone who shared an intimate part of our lives agreed with everything we said? Mom's often forget that despite the fact they've lived an entire lifetime before their children have taken their first breath, their children are destined to have thoughts and opinions independent of their parents, and need to be given the opportunity to cultivate their own beliefs and truths. Engaging in healthy debate should be encouraged, celebrated in fact. Even if members of the family happen to be opposite ends of the political spectrum, who cares! As long as there's love, tolerance and acceptance, it matters not. 

Boundaries. Chatting with your mother five times a day, and ten on Friday, is touch over the top. You don't need your mommy holding your hand to while you live life as a productive, independent and successful woman. If there's a long family holiday on the horizon, remind your mom that you want to preserve your sanity and hers, and by not spending every waking moment with her, this can be accomplished. Go off and do your own thing. If Mom's coming to town, depending on the length of the stay, suggest putting her up at a swanky hotel, tell her to treat it like a luxurious vacation, and go for Spa treatments at the hotel together. This will give you the space you need from extra mothering, and it will give your mother a taste of what life was like before she had you!