Cliques, Mean Girls & How to Teflon Your Child

The school yard may be Wonderland for some, but for others, it's a battlefield. For some children, they have to summon up all the courage they have in their little hearts, just to be able to face the music everyday. And for others, the school yard represents giggles, square ball, and idle chit-chat. Do you remember how difficult it was to make friends? Maybe for you, it wasn't difficult at all. Maybe, like me, kids were drawn to you and you had the luxury of lunch-boxing with whomever you wanted. But if you were anything like my brother, making friends was no easy task, and he was often left out because he was a little different. So the question is, how to you prepare your child for the minefield that is the school yard? How do you prepare them for those catty cliques and sassy squabbles over superficial things? Here are a few things my mama taught me:

1) Never walk with your head down!

Bumping into playground equipment is social suicide, and if you're not paying attention, you'll miss the troupe of mean girls traipsing across the yard to give you some uninvited advice on what your mother happened to dress you in that day. Clothes are superficial, hair is superficial, it's what comes out of your mouth that matters. And above all, even if you're not confident, 'fake it 'til you make it'. Yes, those were my mama's words when I was 5!

2) Don't be afraid to do your own thing!

My mama always told me that using my imagination was my secret weapon. I used to watch the X-Files as a kid, and I loved to pretend that I was an FBI agent just like Dana Skully. Running around the playground, looking for evidence of alien beings was one of my favourite games, and though I might have appeared a bit nuts to some of the other kids, I always had a smile on my face, and other kids eventually joined my pint-sized FBI agency.

3) Always tattle!

My mama and pop taught me that there is absolutely nothing wrong with telling on someone. This whole notion that being a tattle-tale is bad thing may seem to make sense if you don't want your child to have a target on his or her back. But in the long run, it's incredibly dangerous. Better to be a tattle-tale than a tortured soul. Physical scars fade over time, but emotional scars can take a lifetime to heal.

Being a kid these days is no easy task, I know, because I remember beating up my brother's bullies on a regular basis! The advice my mama gave me and my brother worked wonders for me, but for my brother, the road was much longer, and little a bumpier, but in the end, he came out on top. Life isn't a bowl of cherries, and parents can't pave the road to success for their children, it's a journey of self-discovery and mishaps.

When Parents Can't Cut the Cord

If you were born anywhere between 1980 and 1999, you are a member of what sociologists like to call Generation Y. I happen to have a full membership to this generation, but unlike many in my cohort, I don't share many of the same titles that have been bestowed upon us; Trophy Kids, the 'Precious ones', and the 'coddled ones'. These titles are appropriately bestowed, let me tell you! There are some seriously self-righteous twenty and thirty-something year old's wandering around in this world, and after watching a documentary called Hyper Parents and Coddled Kids, I was able to understand where they all came from. Not only did it shed some light on why some of my friends were as messed up as they are, but it also gave me some insight into why I wasn't.

Growing up, I had one sibling, a younger brother. Though there was a six year difference between the two of us, we were extremely close. A series of events occurred in our lives, a divorce, several moves, and the roles changed. I took on a mother hen role, and my mother went back to school to get her forensic psychology degree and took on full time work. The entire family went from living, to surviving, and times were tough. As I moved up through my adolescence, the relationship between my mother and me changed drastically, and my younger brother was consistently showered in affection and accolades. I never thought it was misplaced when he was young, and I was a willing participant. But when I left home at 17 because of a damaged relationship between me and my mother, I realized that my brother could do no wrong even if he tried, and he had developed this sense of entitlement that I never did.

Much like the documentary I mentioned above, when my brother went off to university, my mother was so ridiculously involved in the entire process, I couldn't tell who was making the decisions about my brother's education, him or Mom! And over the course of  his education, he spoke with our mother two to three times a day, only went on vacation with Mom and the family, and never said a word when she arrived in the middle of his exam period! It was crazy.

The end result of all this coddling, is my brother is an overly-sensitive, arrogant, self-entitled young adult, who is incapable of handling rejection from  anyone. I may be coming across as a resentful, or jealous older sibling, but the truth is, I'm grateful that I was never coddled, and even more grateful that I had the sense to cut the cord when I felt it was necessary!

Why Invading Your Teens Privacy is Wrong!

For some reason or another, the invasion of one's privacy seems to be a common theme in my life this week. It wasn't me who had their privacy invaded, but a couple of my girlfriends have been batting around the idea of snooping around in their partner's private things to get to the bottom of a few things. I was absolutely horrified, and it immediately launched me into flashbacks of my mother snooping around my drawers, closets, book bag and anything else she toss about. It haunts me to this day, and has caused me to closely guard everything I've ever written down. It's left a definite scar.

Look, I'm not a parent, yet. But I do understand the pitfalls of navigating your impressionable adolescent through the mine field of growing up in today's world, because I was a teenager, and not so long ago that I need to dust the cobwebs out of my mind. There is enough heartache being a teenager. I mean, in between feeling socially inadequate because a lack of the right friends, trying to catch the eye of the cutest guy or gal, and then dealing with the disappointment of being dumped for the first time, it's all so overwhelming. But it's one thing to go out into the world to have everyone judge you, to make it their business to know everything about you, only to judge you. It's very much another when you have to go home and have the only part of the world that you can actually call yours, only to watch it be raided by someone who loves you.

Despite what parents think, teens deserve privacy. They wandering through life, trying to figure out who the heck they are. Tip toeing around your kids room like you're some sort of CIA agent on a recon mission,  is just begging for conflict. I get that parents are considered about what their kids are dabbling in; Drugs, sex, booze, any anything else that will lead them astray. And there may be a handful of cases where snooping is absolutely necessary, but very, very few. You as a parent, cannot possibly control what your child does when they walk out that door. All you can do is arm them with the tools they need to take on the world. Snooping around in their stuff teaches your child that you are not someone to be trusted. Why on earth would they come to you with something serious, if they can't even trust that you won't ransack the only place that they feel safe.

My mother snooped on a regular basis, and the ironic part was, I never really gave her a reason. I never touched a drug (and still to this day!), I didn't drink until I was legal, and I wasn't having under-age sex. I did well in school, I played tons of sports, and I never missed my curfew. Yet still, my mother felt compelled to root around in my private life. All it did, was cause a rift, and when sh** hit the fan, she was the last person I went to for help.

Child Obesity: Let's Get Real!

I recently read an article in Vogue about a Manhattan socialite who put her clinically obese 7 year old on a stringent diet, and even went as far as depriving her of dinner. The article came out a few days ago, and not only has Vogue been thrown under the bus for commissioning such an article, but Dara-Lynn Weiss has been painted with a pretty unflattering brush. Abusive, militant and self-righteous are just a few of the terms being tossed around to describe what many believe are a series of deplorable actions committed by a so-called loving mother. Even after reading the article several times over, I must admit, I'm still very much on the fence about what transpired.

Weiss's 7 year old daughter was declared as clinically obese by a doctor. At the tender age of 7, her daughter, at 4'4 was tipping the scales at 93lbs. Let's get a little perspective here. I'm 30, with a muscular and athletic build, and at 5'5, I am 118lbs on my heaviest day (113 on my lightest) This precious little girl is 25lbs lighter than me, a grown adult. Sure, we can talk about the weight of bones, and BMI, but the fact is, hers is absolutely off the charts and she is in the danger zone for diabetes, high blood pressure and any number of other terrifying afflictions. If I was a mother, I too would be absolutely panicking! But what happened here?

What I found the most disturbing is the way Ms Weiss handled the news. She engaged in public shaming of her little girl, and consistently belittled her for her weight gain, and this begs the question, who's the parent here? If we've determined that this little girl doesn't suffer from any pre-existing conditions, or genetic mutations, as a parent, are you not the one who is solely responsible for everything that goes in your child's mouth from the moment they're born? What business does a four year old have eating pizza, pop, or chocolate on a regular basis? None! Why is that junk even in your house or made available to them? Look it sounds extreme, but society has gone way of the Do-Do in that it's perfectly acceptable to indulge in treats on a regular basis, and if that wasn't enough, we actually tell ourselves that we deserve it. When I see a parent feeding their two year old McDonald's french fries, I want to walk up and swat the box right out of their hands, and then proceed to publicly shame them, not their children!

Really? We deserve to put processed foods and refined sugars into our bodies? Perhaps I missed the memo, but I'm all for living a long, prosperous and happy life, and if that means that I can't pig out on Mars Bars on the regular, I don't give a rat's patooty! (Yes, I made that word up, deal with it!). A seven year old is only just becoming aware of their body, and they are appropriately oblivious to the fact that society uses the cover of Cosmo to determine what their waistline should be. If your child is obese, the finger should be pointing in one direction, YOURS! You don't need to learn how to become a dietician to determine what to put in your child's mouth, but you do need to educate yourself. Stop blaming the outside world for your child's obesity, yes it's an epidemic, but it sure is hell doesn't give you the right to scoop up your membership to the fickle mob.

Living With Mental Illness in the Family

Mental illness is an issue that carries a horrendous stigma, and it is this stigma that prevents people from discussing the prevalence of mental illness in an open forum. The fact of the matter is, not only is mental illness a great deal more common than we would like to admit, but many of us may be suffering from a mental illness, and not even realize it. When there is a diagnosis of mental illness in the family, it is without question, the most difficult challenge a family can face as a unit, and effect s each member is a different way.

Both of my parents suffered from mental illness, but it was my father's diagnosis of manic depression that sent the family reeling. For years, my father, a dedicated military man, was unofficially diagnosed as a manic depressive when I was just 12. My parents had separated a year earlier and my brother and and I had flown out for our first summer alone with Dad. The moment we arrived, we knew something was not quite right. He was elated, giddy, almost childlike. He was running around the house like a madman, unable to concentrate on any one thing, and spoke a mile a minute. I can recall my father having these sorts of spells at specific times of year, usually around the holidays. We would come to find out later, that these were typical signs of a mental illness. And though these were symptoms that my father had exhibited before, it was never to this extent. Some mornings, he didn't seemed willing to get out of bed. It was as though he lost his lust for life for days at a time. It was difficult for a 12 year old and a 6 year old to understand why Dad was so different, and throughout our adolescence, his conditioned worsened, driving an immovable wedge between the three of us.

My father did not seek help until well into his illness, and because we were estranged, we didn't know how far gone our father's condition was. Because he was in the military, there was not only a societal stigma attached to being mentally ill, but being an active soldier, there was more of an incentive for my father to hide his  illness, rather than seek help to deal with it. Tragically, in June of 2009, my father lost his battle with mental illness, and took his own life.

Mental illness should be something that is discussed at almost every age level, starting with a chat about emotions. In the years that followed my father's death, if I had a better understanding of what my father was going through, I might have been able to cope with my fear, and reach out to him much sooner. You don't need a master's in psychology to gain a fundamental understanding on what mental illness is, but if there if you think someone in your family suffering from a mental illness, family counseling should be your first stop. It's important to start a dialogue within the family as soon as possible, and show a united support system to ensure the person with the illness feels emotionally safe amidst their loved ones. There is nothing more frightening for someone who is mentally ill, than seeing the fear in their loved ones eyes. Don't be fearful, be educated.

Are You Spoiling Your Teen?

As I watch my sure-footed girlfriends take on a motherhood with style and grace and their little ones sneak up in age, the same topic keeps popping up during our saturday morning brunches, are we spoiling our kids? And that seems to be the question of the decade amongst parents. There seems to be a great divide amongst parents around the country. Do we dole out the tough love, or do we indulge our children and give them absolutely everything we never had, and than some! In 2011, a highly controversial book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom made headlines at the Wall Street Journal, and had American parents on the defence about the way they raised their children. The author of the book, Amy Chua, a Law Professor at Yale, proclaimed that "Chinese mother's Are Superior" to that of American parents.  Professor Chua's children were not permitted to participate in sleep-overs, participate in school plays, or play an instrument that wasn't the piano of violin. Her parenting style was strict, sharp and unforgiving.

Naturally, North American parents had a visceral reaction to Professor Chua's words, was she out of her mind? If you don't read to much into her proclamation about Chinese parents being better ethnic parents, she actually makes some very valid points. American parents spoil their children rotten! They hand out gold stars for every sub-standard achievements (and blatant under achievements), they shower them with opulent gifts and they allow their children to dictate life in the household. So how do you strike a balance so you don't up raising a little emperor or empress?

1) Your money is not their money! You've probably spent most of your adult life, working yourself to the bone to acquire your material possessions, your house and your lifestyle. And what is it exactly that your teenager has done, at the ripe old age of 14, done to deserve a brand new BMW or a new winter wardrobe full of labels at that age, you could only dream of? Nothing is the answer. Showering your children with  opulent gifts teaches them that the world is a giving place, and that they deserve everything, without ever having to put a stitch of work in.

2) Learn to say NO! Look, no parent wants to be the bad guy, but you just can't give them everything. Kids need goals, make them set them, and than reward when they achieve them. I'm not talking about a 13 year old making their bed every day, that's not challenging enough. Encourage your kids to show initiative and seriously challenge themselves, because if they don't learn it at home, they're guaranteed to fall flat on their face in the real world.

3) Give of yourself, and your children will follow! The main issue parents face today, is the fact that they are raising self-indulgent brats who give little or nothing of themselves. It's not just about being charitable, it's about teaching your children that they are fortunate only because they were born into it, and it is their responsibility as a human being, to work towards ensuring that everyone has the same opportunities. If you volunteer with an organization, bring your children with you. Start young, and as they come into adolescence, you'll have better adjusted teens, who are more aware of the world around them, and better understand the consequences of their negative actions on those around them!

Keeping the Peace with Grandparents

Grandparents are an invaluable resource for parents and their children. They are a window into our past, and we can learn a great deal from the richness of their full lives. My grandparents and I had a very close bond growing up, and I always treasured the time that we spent together. They never spoiled us in a material sense, but my summers and Christmas holidays with them were something of a dream. My French-Canadian grandfather, and I used to go traipsing around the back country, gathering berries, ferns and other plants so my grandma, could throw together one of her famous summer salads.  I would pull up a stool in my grandma's enormous kitchen, and help her mix in the blueberries for her famous blueberry muffins. We would laugh for hours on end, trying to scrub our blueberry stained mouths and fingers. As a home health care nurse, my grandmother was the nurturing kind, and my brother and I benefited from her calm, sweet demeanour.
 
My grandparents and parents had a wonderful relationship, I never knew there to be any conflict. And even though my grandparents did in fact nudge my parents every once in a while for being a little too strict, my parents lovingly agreed and gave us a little more freedom. However, there are far more extreme cases of grandparents over-stepping the boundaries so much so, that they cause a rift in the family dynamic. Many of my friends are now in their thirties and having children and we often chat about the increasing tension between my friends, and their parents, as they all engage in a power struggle of sorts. And it raises some of my own concerns with child rearing, and how my parents will be as grandparents. My girlfriend gave me a few pointers, and here's what she shared with me:

Open Communication. My girlfriend had a long chat with her parents before her first baby was born, about boundaries, and what she expected of her parents, and in turn, what her parents expected of her. All came to the agreement that time with this precious baby girl was of the utmost importance, but that it was going to be on my girlfriends time, and not theirs. Since her daughter is only two now, they haven't all sat down to discuss discipline in the two households, but reiterated to me, that it was vital that everyone was on the same page. It was okay for the grandparents to spoil her daughter a little, but it wasn't okay to alter the rules.

Never play interference. If there is an issue in the household, unless it directly involves the grandparents, they are not to interfere. Dealing with conflict with your children is difficult enough without having to involved two more outside voices. Your parents have finished their child rearing responsibilities, now it's time for them to sit back, and watch you raise your own.

Keep consistent. My girlfriend said that this was probably the most important point. Children need routine, they thrive on it, so it's important that everyone who is a part of raising your child, needs to maintain a stable environment. When everyone follows the golden rules, grandparents get to feel youthful again, and your children are all the better for it.