When Parents Can't Cut the Cord

If you were born anywhere between 1980 and 1999, you are a member of what sociologists like to call Generation Y. I happen to have a full membership to this generation, but unlike many in my cohort, I don't share many of the same titles that have been bestowed upon us; Trophy Kids, the 'Precious ones', and the 'coddled ones'. These titles are appropriately bestowed, let me tell you! There are some seriously self-righteous twenty and thirty-something year old's wandering around in this world, and after watching a documentary called Hyper Parents and Coddled Kids, I was able to understand where they all came from. Not only did it shed some light on why some of my friends were as messed up as they are, but it also gave me some insight into why I wasn't.

Growing up, I had one sibling, a younger brother. Though there was a six year difference between the two of us, we were extremely close. A series of events occurred in our lives, a divorce, several moves, and the roles changed. I took on a mother hen role, and my mother went back to school to get her forensic psychology degree and took on full time work. The entire family went from living, to surviving, and times were tough. As I moved up through my adolescence, the relationship between my mother and me changed drastically, and my younger brother was consistently showered in affection and accolades. I never thought it was misplaced when he was young, and I was a willing participant. But when I left home at 17 because of a damaged relationship between me and my mother, I realized that my brother could do no wrong even if he tried, and he had developed this sense of entitlement that I never did.

Much like the documentary I mentioned above, when my brother went off to university, my mother was so ridiculously involved in the entire process, I couldn't tell who was making the decisions about my brother's education, him or Mom! And over the course of  his education, he spoke with our mother two to three times a day, only went on vacation with Mom and the family, and never said a word when she arrived in the middle of his exam period! It was crazy.

The end result of all this coddling, is my brother is an overly-sensitive, arrogant, self-entitled young adult, who is incapable of handling rejection from  anyone. I may be coming across as a resentful, or jealous older sibling, but the truth is, I'm grateful that I was never coddled, and even more grateful that I had the sense to cut the cord when I felt it was necessary!

Are You Spoiling Your Teen?

As I watch my sure-footed girlfriends take on a motherhood with style and grace and their little ones sneak up in age, the same topic keeps popping up during our saturday morning brunches, are we spoiling our kids? And that seems to be the question of the decade amongst parents. There seems to be a great divide amongst parents around the country. Do we dole out the tough love, or do we indulge our children and give them absolutely everything we never had, and than some! In 2011, a highly controversial book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom made headlines at the Wall Street Journal, and had American parents on the defence about the way they raised their children. The author of the book, Amy Chua, a Law Professor at Yale, proclaimed that "Chinese mother's Are Superior" to that of American parents.  Professor Chua's children were not permitted to participate in sleep-overs, participate in school plays, or play an instrument that wasn't the piano of violin. Her parenting style was strict, sharp and unforgiving.

Naturally, North American parents had a visceral reaction to Professor Chua's words, was she out of her mind? If you don't read to much into her proclamation about Chinese parents being better ethnic parents, she actually makes some very valid points. American parents spoil their children rotten! They hand out gold stars for every sub-standard achievements (and blatant under achievements), they shower them with opulent gifts and they allow their children to dictate life in the household. So how do you strike a balance so you don't up raising a little emperor or empress?

1) Your money is not their money! You've probably spent most of your adult life, working yourself to the bone to acquire your material possessions, your house and your lifestyle. And what is it exactly that your teenager has done, at the ripe old age of 14, done to deserve a brand new BMW or a new winter wardrobe full of labels at that age, you could only dream of? Nothing is the answer. Showering your children with  opulent gifts teaches them that the world is a giving place, and that they deserve everything, without ever having to put a stitch of work in.

2) Learn to say NO! Look, no parent wants to be the bad guy, but you just can't give them everything. Kids need goals, make them set them, and than reward when they achieve them. I'm not talking about a 13 year old making their bed every day, that's not challenging enough. Encourage your kids to show initiative and seriously challenge themselves, because if they don't learn it at home, they're guaranteed to fall flat on their face in the real world.

3) Give of yourself, and your children will follow! The main issue parents face today, is the fact that they are raising self-indulgent brats who give little or nothing of themselves. It's not just about being charitable, it's about teaching your children that they are fortunate only because they were born into it, and it is their responsibility as a human being, to work towards ensuring that everyone has the same opportunities. If you volunteer with an organization, bring your children with you. Start young, and as they come into adolescence, you'll have better adjusted teens, who are more aware of the world around them, and better understand the consequences of their negative actions on those around them!